So many books, so many stories, so many kinds of love, more than the Eskimo’s have words for snow. I have found that the realm of "true love", and more specifically, romantic love, exists both within and without.
Although structure and tools to create reliability and trust in couples counseling and books can support a beautiful relationship, there is much that can happen within one self, that invites space for a healthy and loving relationship.
In my practice and personal life, the questions about love are constantly asked. There is a wealth of science and books written about love, yet it remains a fairly mysterious area of our understanding. I hope that by sharing some of the wisdom that I have learned in my career thus far, I may help you in this post.
The article posted here, is specifically about the love in pair bonding, or romantic love, or "true love".
Finding Love. Many singles wonder where to find love. Where, and how to choose. How to use an internal radar to select a person with strong potential for a life of shared joy.
Re-igniting Love. The question when two people committed to each other find themselves uninspired, or with a loss of connection or excitement, despite being in a loyal and trusting partnership. Or the question when one person has strayed, broken trust, and there is interest and sufficient intelligence and goodness of fit, such that the relationship can be restored.
Ending Love. How and when to part ways, gracefully, with honesty and integrity, is the question that we sometimes face.
Losing Love. The loss of a partner, and the challenges therein.
Maintaining Love. The constant process of seeing one self and one’s partner anew, avoiding feeling trapped in static roles, and building trust, enjoyment and pleasure. Deeply appreciating, the presence of the person who is connected and committed to you, not losing sight of how magical each day, is the presence of your love in your innermost sphere.
So much is written on this subject. What is a practical and sustainable approach? Something that you can easily add into your life, and that you can maintain?
First, take exquisite care of your self. Your mind, your body, your sleep, your exercise, your finances, your home . . . your nutrition, health, and your tribe or social connections - friends, family, colleagues. No matter how humble or how grand these areas of your life are, truly taking time to create a gorgeous personal life creates a foundation attractive and enjoyable to you, and others. When you meet your needs within reach, a wealth of pleasure nourishes you into a magnetic glow. From this place, you can weather the ups and downs of dating. From this place, you enjoy your life no matter what happens. Finding this peace within your self, is key. You can cultivate it through daily meditation or daydreaming, about what is feels like to be in love. Start learning to resonate the quality of self love, that attracts a partner whom also loves you. Try the meditation below, the Light of Love.
Beyond your inner world, you have a variety of choices in the outer world. You can simply go about your life as usual. As you move through the world, you may meet someone in the endless opportunities of day to day life - getting groceries, walking your dog, going to the gym, in classes for exercise or yoga or art etcetera, meeting friends who know single friends. You may meet someone when doing something you love, like hiking, surfing, skiing, tennis - when you love what you do, you shine, and you open up the opportunity to create a foundation of a romance based in shared enjoyment of something you love. Online dating is an option, as long as you are also careful and take steps to learn about the person you are dating. Gradually, meet their friends, family, colleagues, and get a full picture before risking trust as not everyone has your best interests at heart. Some of the most charming people can be the most self serving, or put you at risk. As you go about meeting new people, dress well, groom well, and express yourself with integrity and self respect. Notice when you are speaking your truth, versus when you may be trying to please or not behaving according to your values. Find your true self while meeting others, to create a foundation for romance that aligns with who you really are, to have long term potential.
You are in a committed relationship. You love your partner. But you don’t feel in love, and although you know that feeling of "in love" comes and goes, your eyes are beginning to wander, you are wondering about how things would have turned out with an ex partner, you sigh at the thought of life with just one partner, or you mainly see deficiencies in your partner instead of savouring the love between you two.
When this happens, it is time to “clean house” in the rooms of your heart and pay attention to what needs to happen next. Commit again to true love.
Make a list of the five love languages. Notice which one(s) match you, and ask your partner, which match them. Begin to “speak” to your partner in his or her preferred love language, and ask that he or she meet you where you feel loved. It is a beautiful thing, to give love in the form that the other sees as love - to see her or him light up, and enjoy, and feel deeply held and seen and honoured. And it is equally engaging to receive love, to have your partner “speak” your language of love to you, so that you feel lit up, a warm glow, energized, deeply honoured and respected, naturally, without effort.
Conflict discussions. Make time to talk about anything that is difficult, and make this time when you have at least two hours to talk, and before 8 pm at night. Use the Imago techniques to really listen to your partner’s concerns, and validate these, and find a solution. Ask your partner to talk with you about one issue that troubles him or her. While putting any of your own reactions and opinions aside, then repeat back to them what you heard. Check if you understand your partner correctly. Ask them what they would prefer that you do, to solve this one issue. Ask yourself if you can partially or fully meet your partner's request. You may want to give yourself two days to think about what you can change, and if so, make a time in two days to get back to your partner about this. Then, take your turn, and speak to your request. As you do this, also notice what you absolutely need, versus what you want but do not need. Notice also what you can receive from friends and family, and not necessarily your partner, and what you can receive from yourself. Be aware that the easiest person to change is your self. Although you can offer your partner information about what you prefer, it is an invitation, and he or she will choose to do with the invitation as he or she prefers.
Review what first brought the two of you together. The shared experience that magnetized you to each other. The way you saw the other person, what aroused, intrigued, fascinated you. See if you can see that in your partner now. Also, take an honest look at your self. What qualities do you think initially drew your partner to you? Are you still living true to those qualities? Do you still enjoy your life in the same way, even if the activities of your life have changed? Studies have shown that talking together, the two of you, about that initial first meeting, is a powerful romance generator, and increases the pair bonding. Tell your story, hear your partner’s version, contemplate the magic of what brought you two together. Revisit the quality of that moment of romantic charge, the atmosphere in the air, the way you were feeling, the way he or she was feeling, the days that followed, the deepening of connection that emerged. Honour this charge, this unique quality and wealth of the rich connection and dynamic that exists only between the two of you, with a regular practice. That regular practice is best the same day of the week, once a week, for at least four hours, of time together, just the two of you. Not a time to review finances, or discuss the challenges with the kids, or the home renovations, or anything that could be stressful. Instead, a time to share enjoyment. Pick an activity you both enjoy, or take turns doing something the other really enjoys. Tell your partner what you deeply appreciate about them, what you are thankful for in them, how she or he has changed your life for the better. Take a moment to honour the beauty that exists in her or him. And, the beauty that exists in your dynamic. Talk about these things, try to put words to the beauty of each other, of your connection. Notice what makes your partner’s eyes shine, and talk more about that. Use the shine in your partner’s eyes, and the feelings that are good in your body, to navigate that time together towards a sweet spot. Accept any negativity that comes up and do not mention it. Let it go, or put it away for another time, and focus on the beauty.
Sex Life. Every one is unique in some ways, and similar in other ways. A person can be turned on by one thing at one time in her or his life, and this can change at another time, or it can also remain constant. Sexuality is a fluid and creative area of a person’s expression, and an ever-changing co-creation with your partner. Different people have different levels of libido, or sexual drive. Men tend to have a strong drive to pursue, and the center in the male brain that is dedicated to the act of pursuit, is 4 to 5 times the size of a woman’s pursuit center. So, take this into consideration. Is there some knowledge from the ancient French ways of teasing, of the coquette, of the initial stages and playfulness of desire, that can activate the pursuit center in your self, or, if your partner is male, in your partner, that can allow enjoyment of this center in the brain? For women, women often love a story, a fantasy, a narrative about her partner, that intrigues and builds her desire. How can that be developed in your experience with each other, if you are female, or your partner is female? Identify if you are a couple who likes to continue a certain style of engaging in this aspect of your life, or if you like to change how things are. If you like to design and intellectually discuss your sex life, or if you like to be intuitive and artistic and go with the flow from moment to moment. If you like to talk, or not talk. If you like to try different positions, get a book about the positions. Identify which positions each of you prefers, and find the ones that are mutually enjoyable. Play with length of time, location, time of day, aromas, and other sensual or sensory experiences. Let this area of your life become an area of pleasure, and adapt as needed based on any limitations that may exist. If there is a significant block to enjoying this aspect of your life, consider seeking expert advice, or if you wish simply not to have this as a part of your life and be with someone who prefers that also. Find your voice, your preferences, and your partner’s preferences, and see what you can create together.
If re-igniting means recovering after a break in trust, then each partner has to make an honest decision as to whether he or she wants to continue the relationship. These can be more challenging waters to navigate. Involving a counsellor or guide or coach or professional help could be worthwhile. Practical matters of physical health need to be attended to, best done with a family physician, and done together so that there is no risk to the other person being lied to, as infidelity can lead to disease, and there are many cases of one partner being unfaithful and acquiring a serious illness, that is transmitted to the other, and then not disclosing this to the other person. So, infidelity is a serious matter, not to be taken lightly. If it does occur, there needs to be full disclosure, full honesty, and a shared family physician is a worthwhile approach. If you find yourself in this position, then you also need to take some time with loved ones, to consider what you wish for your next step. Getting perspective on what you want for your life, and whether you wish to continue to have your current partner in your life, is vital. If you have been the one unfaithful, then it is best you find professional help to look into the reasons for your lapse in connection. It is best you tell your partner, as so often I have witnessed those who are dishonest struggling with depression and anxiety due to the secret they hold and consequences on physical and mental health are significant, for held secrets, especially when held from one to whom you are close. You will also need to forgive yourself, as a life of guilt and self recrimination will not serve you well. If you are the partner who has been betrayed, you will need to forgive to move forward, regardless if you stay in the relationship or not. Forgiveness does not mean accepting the action, or forgetting the action. It means using the action as information to move forward. Sometimes there may have been a feeling of distance, or of things not being happy in the relationship, that were ignored prior to the other person betraying the trust. If two people do decide to move forward together after this, then the beauty of this can be that the warning signs of feeling separate, or feeling disconnected, or being unhappy in the relationship, can be heeded sooner, and steps can be taken to enrich the relationship, rather than let it continue to disintegrate in quality. Always, be gentle on your self. We aren’t trained in emotional and relationship intelligence, and many live in unsatisfying marriages and partnerships, so it is a process of discovery and education to learn how to have a successful and beautiful relationship. So be gentle with your self, make decisions that honour your truth and the kind of relationship that you seek, and act with respect for your self, and for the other. Choose the high road, and move forward with grace.
Sometimes the time comes where a relationship can no longer continue. There is a difference in values that is too strong. A dream that is vital to one person to achieve, is not important or valued by the other person, or not something the other person wants or can support. One person’s preferred way of life does not suit the other’s. Sometimes there are more serious issues like disrespect or actually adverse behaviour that is not healthy. When the time has come to end a relationship, there are challenges that emerge.
Face your fears. You fear that you will never find someone else. You fear being alone for the rest of your life. You fear that someone will never accept you the way your current partner does. You fear rejection. You fear financial stability. You fear being able to be in the world on your own, without a partner to listen to you and to bounce things off of. Maybe you fear that your children will be damaged for life. Or you fear that you are ever flawed and don’t deserve a relationship. Or that you can’t handle the change. Face whatever fears arise. Name them, describe them, write them down. Try seeing a future in which any of these fears do come true, and see if you can imagine a way to positively handle these fears, knowing that you can always ask for help from experts, from those who support you, and ultimately, from your self, or, if you believe in a higher power, then, a higher power. Know that you have the option to move through the transition with grace, with power, with beauty, and with strength. Or, with other values that you would like to live daily. See your self, in your mind’s eye, living through the transition, with grace, with beauty, with perhaps even more energy, and more of your self present, than there was before. Remember your fear does not define you, but will potentially alter your decisions if not faced and acknowledged, accepted as present, and then dissolved so that you can move forward, defined by your light, and what you love, rather than your fear.
“Life is a series of exits and entrances.”
We are always faced with transitions in our connections with others, in some point in our lives. Perhaps you are someone who has not yet experienced that, and that is new to you. But if you simply live longer, changes in your connections with others will change. Try to embrace the change, find the masterful way through the change.
Reality check. Take a moment to get perspective on your relationship. What is really going on? If needed, ask friends and family to honestly tell you what they see. Ask what you are responsible for, what the other person is responsible for. Know that the only one who has true power over your actions, feelings, and thoughts, is you. How do you want to respond in an adaptive way, to this other person in your life? How can you gracefully transition to being single? Ask your self these questions, and give your self the gift of great self respect, and move forward into relationships in which you respect and feel respected, and in which there is shared joy. Be wary of any victim stance, and instead take charge, of your life, so that you can live your life how you most wish to live it. Be your own fairy godmother, so to speak, and if that is not working, consider finding someone to coach you through the transition.
Attachment style. How do you behave in relationships? What kind of attachment style do many of your partners have? Attached, the New Science of Adult Relationships, is an excellent book in which you can learn about your attachment style, and how to change in a way that gets you closer to a healthy relationship dynamic. Learn how to adapt, with compassion towards your self, your attachment style. Learn how to tell what the other person’s attachment style is. Again, if you are having difficulty, seek expert coaching or advice.
Sometimes it is not a choice. We lose a partner to death, to illness, to addiction, or simply because they have decided to exit the relationship. Although this can be painful, it does not need to cause suffering. Loss, can, in fact, be one of the most potent and powerful experiences of your life.
At the most extreme, when you lose a loved one, you can begin to question what the meaning of life is, or what the point of continuing to live is. This is a most excellent question. What is the reason that you want to live? If you could experience anything in life, what are the things that hold the most value to you? What do you deeply enjoy? What makes you come alive and be bright?
The things that are most meaningful to you, that make you full of love, optimism, joy, pleasure, and fulfillment, are so important, to you! Even though one of those elements of life may be the person you lost, the feeling, the joy, actually exists inside you. It is always there, always can be triggered back into your awareness, so that you feel the joy again. If you allow and invite it, to be present.
Loss is deeply challenging. When the loss is of someone close, to whom you are deeply bonded, occurs, there can be a feeling of something being torn out of your life. That part of you that existed, in connection with that person, feels lost. Also, there can be associated losses of a certain way of life, or securities, or enjoyed activities. When there is a loss of romantic love, there is a withdrawal state in the brain, where the dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin generated by that connection is decreased, so the mind and emotions can feel quite different. So, take care of your self, get support as needed, and begin to understand the process of grieving.
Grief is understood differently in different cultures. In our society, there is not a clear process of grieving. Some cultures wail on a wall and cry out, scream out, sob, yell, and sing. Some cultures quietly walk up to a coffin, pay their respects, and then cry quietly alone or with one other person. Some get drunk, tell funny stories about the deceased, and have a big party. Everyone is different. Some people want to talk, others not. There is a pacing, and a rhythm, that will be your own unique rhythm. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talks about the five stages of grief, from denial, to anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. A sixth stage of finally re-connecting with great love to another being, animal or person, is also recognized as part of the process. Shamans believe that those remaining need to fully let go of the person who died, that their soul may rest, and go onto other lives or futures, to be completely free, and that without a full letting go, that the person who died can not exist fully.
Find your personal process of grief.
In my experience, some of the most powerful and helpful processes of grieving include the following: (1) find someone that you can talk to, that you trust, that really listens to you and tell them about the person who died, and your feelings of loss, (2) write the person you lost, a letter, telling them what you need to say to them - you don’t need to actually mail this, rather it is a process for you to speak as if they were listening, to see more clearly what your thoughts are, (3) do something meaningful to you, to say good bye to that person. This could be going to a body of water, or a mountain, or a coffee shop, or a sacred place, to say good bye. You could do this alone, or with someone else. If your grief lasts longer, or you have regular dreams about the person, or you wish you had died with them, or your ability to enjoy your life changes significantly, seek professional help. If not, honour the process of letting go, and then give your self the gift to move forward.
The powerful nature of loss is that is shows you what exists, even when something is gone. It shows you what you deeply feel is important. It clears the mind, it simplifies, it brings attention to the things that really matter to you. If you can make peace with the process of loss, and there is a book that can really help you do so called The Meditator’s Workbook, then life takes on a whole new magic and meaning. In some cultures, they begin every day contemplating the possibility of loss, of death. They then see the day through the lens of the sheer beauty that life exists and unfolds as it does. There is a natural place of gratitude that occurs, because there is the awareness that everything could change and disappear. The human mind’s habit of taking things for granted, is lifted off by this method, and the play of life, or the illusion of life as the Hindu religion calls it, can be seen for what it is, almost like a living dream, but with your vitality and the vitality of the world still very much in place.
How do we maintain love? Ultimately, we maintain love by keeping the flame of love alive in our hearts, and alive in us, for our self, and for those that we love, no matter what happens. True unconditional love, of necessity, must be extended to self also so that no matter our love for the other, we also make decisions that deeply take care of our self, with non-judgment, deep acceptance, and deep love for our self.
How do we maintain true love, romantic love? A question about which many books have been written!
Pair bonding. To bond, there must be shared love, shared enjoyment, shared pleasure. An understanding of the other, and respect for each other. Uniting as a team of two together when faced with challenges and difficulties. Feeling deeply accepted and appreciated, by each other, simply for existing. When bonding occurs, oxytocin is released in the brain, and brain rhythm patterns match, as evidenced by studies using electroencephalograph technology to observe the brain wave patterns in connected mothers and babies, dogs and their owners, and those in romantic relationships. Hands are held, palm to palm. Body language is synchronous, respectful, and in concert. Gaze is held with respect, and gestures or expressions of derision, contempt, dismissiveness, are not present. Eye contact lasts longer. Pupils dilate. There is a natural interest in each other doing well in life. The bond creates freedom, because the security created by the bond allows each partner to take more risks in the world, ideally risks that lead to each other's dreams coming true.
Once bonded, how do we maintain that appreciation? It is so common for the human mind to lapse into taking things for granted. As Kahlil Gibran states, let there be spaces in your togetherness. He likens lovers to two islands, whose shores join when the tide is low, but are separate when the tide is high. He recommends space in your togetherness, that each person has alone time to contemplate - as my friend says, to steep in your self. To avoid enmeshment, each person needs to feel how they are different than their lover. This can lead to less fighting, as fighting can come from a wish for space needed but otherwise not taken. People need time to themselves to align with inner values, to move forward with integrity. The appropriate use of distance can also keep the fires of romantic and sexual attraction alive, which is the focus of Esther Perel's writing. However, too much distance will create a feeling of strangeness, and not understanding the other through body language and simply feeling the presence of your partner. Regular daily connection allows for a simple and beautiful intimacy to evolve, and is the reason many couples share dinner together every night. Daily connection also allows for pacing through life with each other, a rhythm, a pattern, a feeling of togetherness. To add to this, time together once per week that is just for each other, as a date time, without any interference, is useful. My parents used to take a day off work during the week, to spend with each other, while we were at school. This allowed them time to connect, which supported the genuine nature of their coaching of other couples to find love, through their careers and in friends. They are still deeply in love with continued interest on all levels, after over fifty years of marriage.
Avoiding static roles is also important. Although each partner will assume a certain role in the dynamic, as is natural, especially in a romantic dynamic or marriage, this role can become restrictive, and lead to one or both people feelingn trapped. Most people crave a certain degree of freedom, and need to experience different sides of themselves, to feel fully alive. So, look at the role you have taken on, or what you might be assuming for your partner, and ask if this allows enough freedom to feel fully alive and explore aspects of self that can bring joy.
The Science of Love. When people hold hands palm to palm, gaze into each other’s eyes for long periods of time without planning to do so, and laugh together, the brain chemicals of love increase. However, knowing these details doesn't necessarily teach us how to re-create or trigger these chemicals in future. In terms of degree of loyalty, from a genetic perspective, we know that some tribes exhibit a gene that correlates to non-monogamy, and others one that correlates to monogamy. But, now we know that genes are not static, as epigenetic forces act to shift gene expression. So we do not know which came first in these tribes, the genetic expression, or the cultural experiences for the children, that then shaped the genetic expression. We also know that jealousy is the most hard-wired emotion in mammalian species. So, when you explore non-monogamy, you do play with fire so to speak. The powerful emotion of jealousy can derail strong romantic connections, and lead to a lot of extra time spent re-establishing trust.
Humans are highly creative beings, and we can choose, with intelligence, how to develop our connection with others in a way that deeply satisfies and brings levels of deep love and joy. This article is about monogamy, and pair bonding; so reader, if you are interested in non-monogamy, you would have to look elsewhere. My experience in my career and in discussions with colleagues that have had long careers in listening to people and their trials and tribulations, is that a loyal monogamous relationship is deeply satisfying and creates less drama than one that is not. But that is my opinion, and certainly there is a gene in male birds and humans, that is expressed when males are non-monogamous and driven in that respect, and may also exist in females, so there are many ways to live that feel natural to one person and not natural to another.
Electromagnetic Love. We now can measure the electromagnetic field of the heart, and see how it changes with positive versus negative emotion. So, you can take your relationship to the next level by developing the electromagnetic field of your heart into more coherence. To develop a synchronous and healthy heart field, cultivate positive emotions, like love, appreciation, and gratitude. Avoid anxiety, anger, and frustration. Our heart fields affect those around us. Heart rhythms align with hormonal impulses. Thoughts are related to electrical impulses in the brain, and electrical impulses are directed by electromagnetic fields. The heart’s field, is 60 times greater than the brain’s field. So, it is powerful. Through your heart field, you can change your thoughts, your hormonal pulses, and the health of your heart. So, the heart field is powerful for your health on multiple levels. However, I work at a clinic where heart math, the practice of balancing your heart's electric field, is not enough, if there exists areas in the psyche not yet resolved. So, next level love also includes looking at your psyche and history, and perhaps seeking expert counsel when blocks to positive connection with your loved one, and blocks to feeling love for self and other, are experienced.
Another way to take your relationship next level, is to consider your bond sacred. A bond to be honoured by the virtues of love, gentleness, kindness, loyalty, truth, courage, grace, peace, humility, gratitude, and other virtues that you feel strongly guide your life in a positive direction. There are ancient practices in various wisdom traditions, that teach a couple how to interact with another, to bring out the best in each other, through practices that cultivate a sacred relationship. Traditions like white tantra, the tao of sexuality, and others, teach practices to cultivate deep honouring of each other. These traditions can guide as to how love can be healing, strengthening, and transformative. How the energies and the way the psyche is present in a relationship, can be cultivated such that the two people benefit in physical, emotional, mental, and more, health. When reading about these, consider what speaks true to you. What feels right to you. Use your assessment, your intuition, to find a way with your partner, that feels deeply respectful, and that honours your self, and your partner. At the very least, reading about and considering some of these practices, could create a beautiful habit or ritual or type of quality time, that you spend with your beloved, that enriches the sense of a special bond, existing only between you and the other. A sacred bond. You can define sacred as something that is unique, a type of bond that only you and that other person share. Perhaps it has qualities that are noble and pure and true in nature. Qualities similar to that of a spring bubbling forth fresh water from the depths of the earth. Or of a the joy of a ray of sunlight cutting through the clouds to light the drops of rainwater on a leaf. Something that makes you feel pure joy. Notice how that can exist with your partner, and cultivate that quality.
Light of Love
Find a time and place where you will not be interrupted. Turn off your cell phone or computer, so no sounds of incoming messages interrupt you. If the place is noisy, try ear phones, or playing some music or sound without lyrics and that is not dramatic, so that there is a consistent supportive background noise. Or, if you are a practiced meditator, simply use your cultivated focus.
Bring your attention to your breath. Observe the inhale and exhale, and the way this changes your body, the different aspects of the breath on a sensory level. The temperature, sensation, sound, feeling, of the breath. Observe your body. Perhaps observe the energy around and inside the body, or the electromagnetic energy. Ask yourself if you can feel your life force energy, at the very centre of you. Notice where you intuitively feel this centre may be. Notice how this compares to locating the centre of you in the centre of your chest, or the centre of you behind your belly button, or the centre that is your solar plexus. Let yourself imagine what the centre of you may feel like. Notice if you can feel the air, that is actually a fluid, moving around your body.
In your mind’s eye, bring your imagination to see if you can feel or see and sense an energy of love moving in or around your body, or located softly and gently resonant in an area of your body. Can you imagine a deep rose pink moving through one area of your body or the air around you? Explore this for a moment.
Now bring your attention to the centre of your chest. Some traditions call this the heart centre, the fourth chakra, or the Hermetic centre. Notice if you feel any desire in this centre, a pure desire, like a desire for world peace, or love, or health. This desire is called the heart’s desire, or sankalpa, in yoga nidra. Some believe that your soul’s desires are located here, in this centre. Now invite the presence of love, like an energy cloud, like a feeling of air, or a colour of deep rose pink, into this centre. See it resonate here, and perhaps start to glow throughout your body. You may want to invite the essence of love, to ray down into you as if from the sun, or light above you. Allow the feeling of love, to glow into all the energy centres of your body, the anatomy, the structures, the cells, the molecules, the atoms, and the space between the atoms. Ask your self to release any old hurts and pain related to love, so that you can allow every inch of your being to resonate with love, as if a sound had been struck in your heart centre and ripples, like ripples in a pond from a pebble, throughout the rest of you.
If you wish to take this further, you can imagine a strong orange fire, burning up any obstacles to feeling love deeply, that exist in you, in your energy. You can invite a white blue crystal clear light to energize the areas that need more energy after burning up obstacles. As you do this, notice what arises, with kindness and compassion towards your self, and let go of pain or hurt. If you are having trouble letting go of pain or hurt, try approaching these with compassion and kindness, and forgiveness towards others and towards yourself. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, and does not mean that the actions that caused pain were right, it simply allows you to move forwards and with new resolve to act in a way that increases joy.
Once you have a certain positive experience of love, allow your self to simply be still in this feeling, and enjoy it. Let it deepen, let your self relax into it, and pay attention to how you feel. Without trying or working at it, allow the feeling of love to exist, especially in your heart, from which your electromagnetic field emanates the most strongly.
You can also take this further, by seeing your partner, your loved one, as if suffused with the bright light of his or her best self. Take a moment to contemplate, or see with your mind’s eye, or feel her or his best self, shining, resonating, existing as if right before you. Notice how this feels. The next time you see your partner, try seeing them from this place, and notice if this changes the quality of interaction.
Wishing you the best in your journey towards self love, and love of other,
Note: All the following are books.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Relationships and How it can help you Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think by Louann Brizendine
The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine
The Meditator’s Workbook: A Journey to the Center by Matthew Flickstein
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Finding and Keeping Love: An Imago Based Program for Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix